I’m Having an Allergic Reaction to a Walnut as I Write This: Trusting God with My Health

Life-threatening food allergies … Are you picturing a bubble girl who’s terrified of everything and insists Southwest never serve peanuts on board again? That’s not me. Turns out I’m not concerned enough, because every few months I stumble upon another nut. The last one was cashew milk in a smoothie. Totally my bad—I was managing three kids at the smoothie shop and didn’t pay enough attention to what I ordered.

The time before that was in Korea with Brit. We were on our first kid-free trip since our first was born and I was prepared to be extra careful. I even printed out a little card in Korean and Japanese that specified each nut I was allergic to and asked whether I could eat the food. I ordered a plain donut from a street vendor. Looked totally innocent and I didn’t think I needed to ask.

Five minutes before the Korean Donut Catastrophe

This has been happening since I was a toddler. Back then, I’d get itchy, swollen, feel miserable, maybe throw up. I’d take two Benadryls and feel okay after a few hours. After I had my first kid, though, my allergy’s severity went through the roof. Apparently that can happen because of all the hormone changes in pregnancy. I was at the hospital three days after he was born because I had such an intense reaction to a tiny bit of walnut in a cookie. Ever since then, my life has been different. It's a new layer of trusting God with my health.

As a kid I always wanted to slide under the radar. I didn’t want a fuss made over me. I didn’t want to be different. I never carried an EpiPen, never warned people about my allergy. It wasn’t my jam to make it a whole thing. Now it’s not really an option. I ask about nearly every food I eat and usually forgo potlucks just to be safe. I stash EpiPens everywhere. Now that I think of it, I need to see my allergist and get several more. It was fun to see an allergist for the first time. I came home and told Brit, “She gets me!”

As for right now, my hands are shaking from the epinephrine but also from nerves. My body knows this could be an emergency. I washed out my mouth like my life depended on it. I took two Benadryls I keep stashed in each car. When my mouth kept swelling, I pulled out the EpiPen. It took me a minute to call enough courage to stab my leg. It was only my third time using one. Sometimes my head will feel light because I lose blood pressure, and the Benadryl doesn’t help. My lips are growing more swollen, my tongue feels heavy, and I’m hyper aware of my throat. If it swells up, I have to go to the hospital for the next several hours. I’m in tune to the slightest change because I’ve been dealing with this for so long, and I have to give myself a head start. We don’t have anyone to stay with our kids right now, so I’ll have to drive myself or else wake the kids to drag them along so Brit can drive. An excellent ER is less than 20 minutes from my house. I’m sorry to say I’ve been there a few times.

My youngest likes it when we hang out in his room while he goes to sleep, and I get to bring my laptop into the dark room and write. Naturally I ask for the job. But tonight Brit keeps peeking in to check on me, keeps showing me a thumbs up and thumbs down to ask after my status. All of this scares him more than it scares me. He’d want me to go straight to the ER every time because that’s the standard medical advice. I told him earlier that I’m okay for right now, that I’m paying attention and I’ll be safe like he wants me to be. He lets me make the call because I’ve shown him that I’ll go if the situation warrants it.

I’ve needed the hospital at every allergic reaction for the last couple years. I’ve never been intubated, never been admitted to the ICU, but that was threatened last time. My allergy appears to be getting worse. So bizarre that something as harmless as a healthy, natural food can cause my body to fight itself to death. It’s scary how fast it can happen, how much it hurts, how dangerous it is. I hate being fussed over and avoid doctors and hospitals as much as I can, but I’ve had to give up my patient rights, to some extent, to be fair to my family. Each time I deal with the awfulness of being in the hospital for several hours to give my body the best chance to live. I can’t leave my kids and husband because I was too irresponsible to go to the ER when I needed it. So I pay close attention, and I head to the ER as soon as I have reason to believe my life is at risk.

I’m praying God has mercy on me tonight—that it’s not as severe as it has been, that I don’t have to spend the night in a hospital bed. Even if it’s a small reaction, I’m praying my face won’t swell up like Hitch’s so I won’t look strange at church tomorrow. (I have nursery duty and can’t stay home without causing someone trouble.) Even after I feel good again, my face stays swollen and I look a little scary for a day or two. Or more for a really serious reaction. In Korea my face was swollen and wonky looking in the first half of our pictures. Good times.

An allergy is a weird thing to live with. Poison is everywhere. Nuts are more popular now than they were a few decades ago. People realize how healthy they are. For everyone else, that is. But this allergy I live with is helpful in a strange way. It regularly reminds me with a violent shake that my safety is in God’s hands. When the war started while we were in Israel, Brit said “We’re no safer at home than we are right here. God decides what happens to us.” He couldn’t be more right. Safety is an illusion. I could fall down the stairs and break my neck. I could get hit by a truck as I drive down the road. “All the days ordained for me were written in [God’s] book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:16b) So I pay attention to my body’s signals and I pray. And I submit to whatever God has for me tonight.

Edit: God said yes tonight. My body is returning to normal without severe symptoms. No hospital, no swollen face, no miserable stomach. Thank you, God! What a gift to sleep happy and healthy in my own bed tonight.